i definately had post partum depression after i had cole, but i dont think thats whats going on right now. no, i know thats not what is going on. im just tired. mackenzie is a good sleeper actually, so im not sure why im so tired. well, i take that back, yes i do. i have 3 kids 4 years old and under.
anyway. i have been doing a lot of pondering and reading and talking. i want to be better. i want my kids to know without a doubt, how much their mother LOVES them. i dont want them to remember how stinkin anal i get about the dumbest things because im tired and things irritate me. for example, by the witching hour, aka right before dinner... the boys are going nuts. ryan usually isn't home yet or has just gotten home as i try to prepare dinner. luckily, im getting better at meal planning, so deciding what to make isn't the issue anymore. short story long, i get anxiety when the boys are running around my legs when im trying to make dinner. it mainly is a safety concern for me, but also, the tugging, the whining, the incessant questioning on why im adding this or pouring that gets to me-- when i am tired. which has been for the last month.
i honestly can tell you, i ache and it takes my breath away (in a bad way) to think about how fast my kids are growing up. i kick myself in the pants every night when i think about all the retarded things i said or did or got frustrated with, regarding the boys. i LOVE those boys so so so much. they mean everything to me. although some days are rough, and by the end of some, i feel like the boys might have possibly tied me down to some train tracks and i was run over repeatedly... i love the fact that (hopefully) i will be blessed to wake up and do it again the next day.
ryan's aunt linda told me about a blog called 71toes. it is soo great. i will let you look it over, because let me tell ya, its addicting. this lady is awesome! her name is shawni, shes a member of my church, and she just really makes me want to do better and be better at this wonderful privilege i have of being a mother. i read it almost daily, soakin up all of her parenting advice.
so, as a personal goal, i am trying to just live in the moment. i know, that even though cole emptied out who knows how much toilet water from their toilet all over their bathroom and hallway floor the other day... i am going to miss moments like that. i am trying to soak up every day like its my last. i had a nightmare earlier this year. it was kind of like the movie ghost. well, sort of. i died, but my spirit was able to come and be around the people. i could see and hear tucker, cole, and ryan... but they couldn't see or hear me. and worst of all, i couldn't touch them. how i yearned to wrap them up in their blankies, wipe a precious tear off their cheek,kiss an owie, give them an eskimo kiss, give them one last bath, feed them again, get them dressed, or give them one last hug...and never let go. it was the all-time worst dream i have ever had. it hurt. i woke up with tears in my eyes. it still makes me cry if i think about it.
i cannot comprehend how blessed i am to have such sweet children, and to have the absolutely amazing opportunity to have them call me mother. i am grateful to be married to a man who inspires, who uplifts, and who encourages me. i am grateful to be married in the temple, with the sacred covenant that binds us eternally to each other and our precious children. i want to live up to the expectations my Father in Heaven has for me. i know i am not a horrible wife or horrible mother. but i want to be better. i want to snap out of my frustrations of the little things, and live and love each moment!
here are a few of the "moments" ive tried to capture. my memory is soo so so so stinkin bad. it actually is very sad. i wish we could video tape life and be able to just pause for a while and go back to watch and relive all the precious moments we have lived. i want to remember these forever!
here the boys are lovin' on mackenzie-giving her kisses
on a rainy day last week, i stopped and remembered how much i loved playing in the rain. so i asked them if they wanted to, and out they went. and right back in they came. it was cold : )
Ryan's birthday party and our sweet sleeping beauty
i get sooo excited to see that the boys love sports- especially baseball : )
they will play for hours outside... playing in dirt. 
giving kisses to mackenzie again. they sure love her!!
cheeese! holy cow! gotta love cole's molars!
we had family home evening with a couple of friends and some family, so the kids decided they wanted their peach cobbler and vanilla ice cream outside :) fiiiiiiine with me, just fine with me. no messy inside-y
on one of my days where i was really thinking about living in the moment, i decided to chuck my anxiety out the window. with cole sleeping, i decided to ask tucker if he would help me make dinner. he was sooo excited and said that he was the best helper ever. and i agree : ) he was wonderful.
You are the cutest mom :) I hope I can handle chaos as gracefully as you do when I have 3 tiny ones! I'm nervous about 2... Plus, you always look SO great! Those kids are so lucky to have you as their mom. For real.
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