what's going on?

well... i haven't done a very good job the last month and a half with keeping up with weekly work-out posts. but, i have worked out, at least ONCE a week. i give myself some props for that : ). those were my crazy busy weeks before/during holidays. i know that it is not an excuse that i "don't have time." but, i really didn't have that much time during the holidays. and when i did have time, i was exhausted. like seriously. i am REALLY struggling with getting adequate rest at this point. im running around like a crazy lady during the day with the kids, and so then i tell myself im going to workout after they go to sleep at night. BUUUUT lets get real. as soon as my backside sits down for a breather after the boys (and sometimes mackenzie cause she likes to stay up late :) are in bed... i canNOT get up for the life of me.

so, i have cut some slack for myself for the past several weeks (cough, 2 months) thinking if i catch up on some rest, aka not workout as much... i can come back with some zest. and let me tell ya, it felt good to take it easy for a few weeks. lets face it though- i couldn't let that last too long. i just like being active, so im back into business. the last 2 weeks i have worked out more, and i have felt much better!

i will try to make this as short as possibly, but duh! the caption under our blog name says it all! ; ) something that i have really been struggling with since i had mackenzie is post-partum depression. just regular depression definately runs in my family and thus i have a higher chance of having ppdepression. i have been lucky to not have had depression...until i have babies. and even then, ive been lucky it goes away. i don't think i had it after tucker, if so, it was so short i didnt even notice it. after i had cole, i definately got it. looking back, i wish i would have gotten on medication. life would have been SO much more enjoyable. i was pretty deep into that depression. although i knew i was blessed, it was a very dark time of my life, and i felt so NOT me. i didn't realize i had it until cole was i think 2 months old and i had a hard time accepting it. i just did not want to have depression dang it! i know how real it is, but it just really wasn't convenient at the time. is it ever??!!?

when mackenzie was about a month and a half/2 months-ish, i started thinking joyfully, "sweet! maybe i won't get it this time! yay!" and i swear, the next day or 2 days later, it came over me like a black fog. so, ive been struggling with it since then. there are weeks that go great, but there are weeks that i just have a really hard time. this time around, my body decided to throw some anxiety in the mix. so i have some post-partum depression/anxiety goin on up in hurr. yipee skipee. i finally got the courage the other day (i dont know why its so hard for me to ask for help, probably pride) to call my ob/gyn to talk to her about it. they put me on with a nurse who told me it was too late for me to have post-partum depression, that it must be something else. that totally confused me. i know it IS totally possible to have post-partum depression when my baby is 5 months old. so, i questioned her and she politely told me again that it could not possibly be post partum depression. sooooo i gave up on getting help from there. im sure it was just some kind of misunderstanding on her part, but i just gave up anyway. i do know it finally went away after i had cole, roughly when he was 1. so, im going to try to just cope and just endure it (and use my sweet hubby as a counselor. : ) as if i didn't talk enough already.

im sure not all of you have read this novel, cause heck, im having a hard time roughly proof-reading this... but what i am trying to say is, part of the reason i haven't been posting as much has also been due to this fantastic depression. i get in the depths of despair where i just don't really see the point in much of anything, so i haven't had the desire to post. but, i know i enjoy it, and i know i care about my kids, and my hot husband, and fitness, so im going to try to keep posting. this really is my journal right now. writing is not uber fun for me, because talking is SO much faster. THUS...im only writing in one journal right now. AND THIS IS IT BABY!

and i want anyone who reads this-which could possibly be nobody lol- to know that i do love my life and i am grateful for it. i do know that my Heavenly Father and Savior love me. I am so grateful for this mortal experience i am blessed with. i am SO grateful for my family. i love them so so SO much, and i really could not imagine my life without them. seriously! i love being a wife and mother. although at times they seem incredibly unbearable, i know my trials and struggles will make me stronger in the end. if anyone else has had postpartum depression, or just wants to vent about whatever, good or bad, just email me. lizzie.nothum@gmail.com. i almost feel like even though i have family members with depression, i didn't really understand it till i had depression myself. so, i am SO sympathetic to those who struggle with depression, anxiety, and so forth. we are all of great worth! lets not forget it!

there ya go... that is what is going on. : )

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what's going on with my fitness-

weight lost- oh heeeeck no! ill weigh myself on sunday morning, i dont want to weigh myself right now because obviously, its the end of the day. : )
issues-ive been big time emotional eating lately. i think (know) its the anxiety/depression. like seriously... dont bring donuts around me. i will eat them. ALL. of. them. and i might start chomping on any extremity of yours that might have touched a donut or even walked past one.
-i need to stretch more, since ive been running more, my hamstrings are way tight and me no-likey
-i need to focus more on my core. ive been neglecting it big time and i can tell, i look like the hunchback of notre dame. i catch myself hunched SO far over sometimes.

accomplishments-i have worked out at least once a week
-i feel stronger
-i broke a 10 minute mile again tonight! i was so happy.it was 9:36 and im sure i could have gotten even a smidgen faster if i had done my run in the morning before i ate anything. i had a SEVERE case of gas tonight. i didn't want to push it too hard tonight, if ya know what i mean. but i was still SO excited to get 9:36.
-i got a new gym membership on monday, and i went to a boot camp class tuesday. i almost threw up. yes, that is an accomplishment in my books.